Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?