I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
That’s fair
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.