I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Geez man, take it easy.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Cats (2019)
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.