I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound