I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
You Might Also Like
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The news in a nutshell.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
birds and squirrels envy us
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.