I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Effort made
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
You learn something every day
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs