I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home