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@Mashby811: I think I have a sleeping disorder.
It's called children
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: It's not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
@SaraThomas84: It's all fun and games until you're sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework
@OBiiieeee: one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
@KeetRidley: "Hey, your fly's down"
*pets fly's head* you'll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we'll get you some new wings
@jngraphs: *Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke