“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
You Might Also Like
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]