“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
But is it really??
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.