“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.