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@UncleDuke1969: "I think I have Ebola."
"JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!"
@buhsbaby_baby: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?
@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
@abbycohenwl: [god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
@sarcasticmommy4: It's nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It'd be even nicer if they'd stop bringing them back home.
@ohwrigley: Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.