“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real