I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
who will stop them
Bruh PLEASE
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…