God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.