formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
You Might Also Like
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Oh we’ve met.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
i will not be silenced
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine