I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
You Might Also Like
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.