I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.