@mrsmith196645: I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.
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@Brianhopecomedy: "Dadd-" "No." "You don't even know what I was going to say!" "You're wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No."
@Phantasmagoriax: If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.
@SeanINCypress: Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.