I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
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don’t we all
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*