I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*