A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Merry Christmas