@ryaninco: I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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@TheTweetOfGod: 'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.
@500Riles: [Interview] Boss: Have you ever been fired? Me: Depends on who you ask B: If I ask your last employer? Me: They'd say yes
@capricecrane: People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It's just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
@MichaelTrying: Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment