@ryaninco: I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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@WienerToboggan: "honey, I can't wait to do missionary later!" *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
@Bob_Janke: If you spend "up to $9000" on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
@Underchilde: Got a cease and desist letter that says I can’t wear my hard hat around town until I learn how to wolf whistle.
@Donnie_Fairburn: DNA doesn't make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does