shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
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Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Why is no one talking about this?!
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.