I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
What in the hipster hell is going on here
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.