I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Hmm, not sure about this change
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer