I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.