I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.