God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
awkward
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine