I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
You Might Also Like
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Lmao 🤣
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza