FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.