@UGotMeRight: I think I'll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
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@liv_thatsme: There’s something wrong with this pen. I’ve written two letters & it’s not telling me how to spell the rest of the word.
@zebrasyndicate: Wife: I swear, I'm gonna kill my boss Me: please don't; it'll get better Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo- Me: *interupting* no way you're making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
@Izianikapani: Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
@_ElvishPresley_: Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me Louis Lane: even x-ray vision? [Krypto stares intently at Lois] Superman: oh god he sees your bones run