“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer