I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
*ernest hemingway voice*
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.