I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Practicing safe sax
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂