I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please