“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Y’all know who you are.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
won’t smith
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .