“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here