@weinerdog4life: No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that's why I dropped it.

@LackOfShame: Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating.

@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, "Hold on I can't hear you. I gotta turn on the light." The dark was too loud?

@mikeleffingwell: Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.