I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Möther may I have a snäck
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
decorating my apartment
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl