If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?