If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math