I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
lost dog
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?