I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”