I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.