ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Wake me when AI does housework
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.