I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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Can. I. Help. You.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭