I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn鈥檛 hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh鈥hssssssh鈥eeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn鈥檛 working. You don鈥檛 live here anymore. That鈥檚 why.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I鈥檓 also hungry so can you feed me right meow
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
IKEA is fine if you don鈥檛 mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If you aren鈥檛 happy single, you won鈥檛 be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That鈥檚 the level of petty I aspire to.