I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You Might Also Like
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
brian had himself a morning…
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious