I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!