I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
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Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.