I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
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[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
it be like that
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids