Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Practicing safe sax
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.