When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Woke up against my better judgement again
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
constantly working on myself.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.